I had no idea just how refining motherhood would be. I had no idea just how selfish I am. No idea just how entitled I am.
Until my tiny human came along. My “mini-me” who brought with him a tiny but brutally honest mirror. The mirror of motherhood. The mirror that seems to constantly pull out the real and the raw of all that lies dormant in my heart, anything that I have tried to cover up or beautify has been pulled to the surface in a mirror that reflects the deepest parts of my being.
Never before has life been so not on my terms. I can’t eat whenever I want, I can’t shower whenever I want, I can’t even clean whenever I want! Never have I known such thankless work.
And yet I love my little bean with all my heart. And with all the hardship and all the trials and the giving, day in and day out – I find a strong desire that still pulls at my heart. It happens when I see a beautiful mama whose belly is swelled with mystery. It happens when I pass a young mother on the sidewalk – two souls in the stroller, one holding her hand, and one riding their bicycle ahead of her. It happens when I see myriad of feet pounding across the soccer field and I hear their laughter as they squeal with competitive excitement.
And I have to acknowledge the thrill that swells in my chest: I want to have more children.
This has been the hardest, most thankless job I have ever known. I must serve my tiny, helpless being with all that I am – even if my own needs are not taken care of, much less my wants.
And STILL my heart yearns to have more children.
And I think to myself…am I crazy? I must be crazy!
And then I think of the heart of God. Day in and day out, He serves us and loves us and cares for us – often without a word of thanks as we greedily slurp up His blessings.
He always wants more children. He YEARNS for more children! He loves to scoop our helpless souls into His arms and nurture us, love us, teach us, serve us – day in and day out. His arms and His heart are never too full to welcome another child.
And then I think that maybe – just maybe – I have tasted of the heart of God.
Just maybe, I have caught a tiny glimpse of His heart in my own heart.
Just maybe a shard of my broken, selfish heart is reflecting His perfectly selfless heart.
And I smile to myself. Yes – I am probably crazy. But if my tiny bit of “crazy” is reflecting the craziness of Love Himself – then BRING IT ON.