Do you ever feel as though God has been unfaithful? Do you ever feel as if God is not holding up His “end of the bargain?” Sometimes I feel this way. Sometimes I look at the circumstances around me, at the pain within me, and it seems like that which I feared is happening to me; that which I asked God to protect me from is now swallowing me. And I wonder, tear-choked and desperate…. “Where are You, God??”
Did He hear my many prayers? Do they mean nothing to Him? Does He even CARE…?
And as I weep, as I wonder, I begin to leaf through the many pen-inked pages of my journal…..pages wrinkled with tears, washed with laughter, scrawled with hope. I sift through the memories. And between the tears – even IN the tears – I read of His faithfulness. The words He has spoken to me in the past begin to speak to me again. With each page I turn, I find more of His faithfulness…..the scripture that leapt off the page and into my heart, the Spirit-words that rang revelation in my spirit, the friend whose comfort and encouragement reached deeper than she knew, the stranger who was sent to be my ministering angel, the books, the songs, the hugs, the many blessings that came “at just the right moment.”
Was this not God’s faithfulness? The faithfulness that, just a moment ago, I had been doubting?
And so I begin to count. I begin to count His blessings to me. I open my eyes and choose to see the myriad of blessings that God has rained down upon my ungrateful heart, each one fully beautiful and fully undeserved. And as I count, I remember words that I spoke last night to my husband as I looked with jealous longing at a friend who had “all I wanted”…. I wept fiercely, the ugly questions, the ugly words parading around my heart and out of my mouth….
“I would give anything to be her right now.”
My dear husband looked at me, his gentle eyes pained. “And which of His blessings would you give up? Which of His blessings would you trade?”
In my bitterness, I wanted to answer him, to throw ugly word-darts back at the truth he had tenderly handed me. But my words stuck in my throat, in my heart. Suddenly, blessings that God had given me began to flash through my mind, each one beautiful in its own way, each one a gift from my God.
Which would I trade?
The word echoed in my mind and I fought it. “I would trade my pain!”
“I would trade all these awful things that have happened to me, I would trade my pain, trade this ache, I would trade…I would trade….”
Nothing. Nothing. Nothing….
I wept as I realized that truly, I wouldn’t – I couldn’t – trade ANYTHING. Not even my pain. Because even my heartache, even the depths of my hurt, even my pain is a gift.
No, I would trade nothing. None of God’s blessings, even the blessing of pain, could I give up for something else that He, in His infinite loving wisdom, had chosen not to give me right now.
Would I trust Him?
This is the question He keeps asking me. And my answer does not, cannotchange – it only grows deeper. And so once again, I echo the words of fearful, storm-tossed Peter: “Lord, to whom shall I go? You alone have the words of life.”
Yes, Lord. YES – I trust You.
Will you count blessings with me? I may not be able to understand or see His faithfulness in my present, but I can CHOOSE to see His faithfulness in my past. I will recount the deeds of the Lord to my weary heart!
And with each numbered blessing, this is what I see: HE IS FAITHFUL!